Thrive Parenting - For Parents with Kids who Need "Extra Supports"

Thrive? I'm Just Trying to Survive.

May 14, 2020 Jennie and Lynn Owens Season 1 Episode 2
Thrive Parenting - For Parents with Kids who Need "Extra Supports"
Thrive? I'm Just Trying to Survive.
Chapters
2:20
Meet The Panelists
4:55
Why are you doing well, when so many others are not?
25:53
Are you happy with your life?
28:05
What if it is too hard?
29:49
Are there ever times kids need to leave the home?
40:19
Summing it up
42:09
Tips and Tricks
50:06
Self Care tip of the week
Thrive Parenting - For Parents with Kids who Need "Extra Supports"
Thrive? I'm Just Trying to Survive.
May 14, 2020 Season 1 Episode 2
Jennie and Lynn Owens

Is it possible to really thrive when parenting kids who need a massive amount of extra supports, or are there times that it will just crush you? 

On this episode, we are joined by panelists:

  • Brad and Lisa Henderson
  • Anne Nash
  • Michelle Huffaker

They are three sets of parents with decades of experience raising kids who are on the extreme end of having some extra challenges, yet each of them has come through great difficulty with an optimism that is inspiring to those of us who have been in the trenches. 

This week we will be discussing how this happens for some, and if it is possible for all.

Support the show (https://www.canyonlakescounseling.com/thrive/)

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Is it possible to really thrive when parenting kids who need a massive amount of extra supports, or are there times that it will just crush you? 

On this episode, we are joined by panelists:

  • Brad and Lisa Henderson
  • Anne Nash
  • Michelle Huffaker

They are three sets of parents with decades of experience raising kids who are on the extreme end of having some extra challenges, yet each of them has come through great difficulty with an optimism that is inspiring to those of us who have been in the trenches. 

This week we will be discussing how this happens for some, and if it is possible for all.

Support the show (https://www.canyonlakescounseling.com/thrive/)

spk_0:   0:01
It was 10 years ago from very month that the wheels first start falling off in on The Choice Way were in with our child. But it is still a source off pain and loss, even though we're still engaged and involved.

spk_2:   0:26
There are times that parent and kids that have a lot of extra challenges can be overwhelming, and it could be detrimental to our health and destroy relationships and break apart families. On today's show. We've got parents who went through really hard situations and came out the other side having thrived, and we're gonna find out some tips from them. No easy answers, but we're gonna find out how they did it today. On

spk_1:   0:48
Welcome to our Second Episode of Thrive Parenting. I'm Jenny Owens, the author of Dancing With the Porky Pine

spk_2:   0:56
and I'm Leno inside of the co founder and owner and therapist that Canyon Lake's family counting centre will help with Children and Jenny, we made it to our second episode. It's a milestone first, right?

spk_1:   1:06
That amazing

spk_3:   1:07
who

spk_2:   1:07
I can tell you right now what our focus is going to be now. That may change over the years, but we really feel like There's a lot of advantage to just focusing on the positives. And there's so much hard stuff out there to here in this world of parenting check kid with challenges that we could just get discouraged all the time if that's all we ever talked about. And as we're traveling around the country seeking the beautiful things and we're just seeing so many great stories, we want everybody bringing those stories to you every week. And additionally, though, there's some really hard topics and it seems like it's pretty impossible to tackle. Think that you get good answers? There's no clean answer so to some of these topics, but the discussions are really important. And so today we're bringing you one of those topics where it's about the discussion. It's about the process, and I don't promise you to wrap this up neatly with a bow or toe. Have three points and a poem at the end, and inspiration for this is exactly how your life is gonna be wonderful. But when we named the Thrive parenting groups and the podcast, it's because we think that it's possible even in the heart of situations. At least we hope it is that it's not we.

spk_3:   2:10
It's not

spk_2:   2:10
enough to just drive, but we think that you can thrive and that there's there are great things that come out of this really hard work, and I hope that's true. But I wanted to talk about that today because maybe that's simplistic. Maybe that's not true, and we just thriving is just enduring. I don't know that I'm excited about today's Panelists. This is, Ah, good conversation I've been wanting to have just in general for a long time.

spk_1:   2:35
Yeah, yeah. Um, um, these air people that we've met in our journey and, um really just been impressed with that they're doing mental, They're doing well mentally and emotionally. And, um, you know, have gone through some very challenging situations. So we have Brad and Lisa Henderson from Texas.

spk_2:   2:58
Hello, Bradley said. Brad ELISA are not lightweights when it comes to parent team. They have 10 kids, and Dr Brad Henderson is ah, adjunct professor at Western Seminary and is the lead pastor at Trinity Baptist Church in Richardson, Texas. So thanks guys for being with us today. Also with us is Michelle half occur, and she's calling in from Salem, Oregon, and Ah, Michelle on her husband has been the last 20 years supporting and training parents of autistic kids in North Africa, of all places where things like autism and other special needs air really considered a shameful And, uh, well, the kids don't go out into public much there. And so she, I think, kind of gets what you're talking about when it comes to raising kids without challenges. And lastly, we have. And Nash and End was Ah, and wasn't licensed mental health counselor in Washington State. But now she is working in human resources at a Fortune 500 company, and ah is a mother of five herself. So welcome, guys. And thanks all for being here today and tackling this really difficult subject with us all. For all of you guys, I've watched your lives and I've seen endurance. I've seen optimism. I've seen uncredible resilience that that has inspired me. So in this work of raising kids that have needs for extra supports, I've been motivated against my professional career to tackle this topic because it's just me. Personally. I've I've had family members who've had who have thought the kids they had extra challenges and It's been devastating to their health. It's the point where I believe it's a big factor in their death, and I've seen families devastated. I've seen marriages and and I've seen it's just I've seen the devastation, but with with you all I've seen

spk_3:   4:54
hope. So

spk_2:   4:56
here's my first question. Really, for each of you, man. Um, why don't we start this time with you? And why do you guys continue to do well when others in doing the similar kinds of work, struggle? And before you answer that and let me just tell you this, we're not gonna go into the details of the stories of any of our Panelists today. It's enough for you to know that they've been in the hardest of circumstances and, um, and have come on the other side. So I don't want to say this is like, easy peasy whenever So that's why we chose to the towns as well. So and what is What do you guys end up? Um, doing well, at least that's what will talk to us.

spk_3:   5:37
Well, I guess from ah, Bob and my perspective, we absolutely believe that each child that came to us was given to us by God to take care of. And, uh, other couples had asked us air talked about. I want to do foster care. I want to adopt and I really caution them that if that is not something that God has asked you to do, don't do it because in the hardest times you have to know God trusted you with this and so that I we always have to go back to God, trusted us with this and wanted us to do this so that that gives us the strength sometimes when it's ah when it's tough. But we also had a strong marriage when we started, so I think that's that's a piece of it. But we also have to work really hard at that. It's not something that just comes easy. We have toe, go in the room, closed the door and hash out whatever is going on. So I think that's that's a piece of of that part. I also think that when you look at these kids and I always for my own, say look at where they would be if it wasn't for us and then I think OK, well, I'm not doing that bad of a job.

spk_2:   6:49
It was. You

spk_3:   6:49
know, if if you look at what the past that would have been taken versus the past that they're on, um Then you just kind of take a breast like you. Like you said, Brad, you just take a breath and go, OK? It's still better than it would have been. When you're kind of beating yourself up that it isn't perfect.

spk_2:   7:08
I want a landing that one before even one of the other answers on that. Because one thing I hear quite often is why do I bother? None of my work made a difference Anyway, they ended up. They ended up with all these problems anyway,

spk_3:   7:23
Um, you know, and I wrestle with that. But I see the heart of our three kids. Um, the empathy, the moments when they can share their real love for other people. And I think in God's eyes, and none of that is wasted. I mean, we can look at that with kids that were born to us, um, and say, Was it worth it? Because sometimes that doesn't go the way you'd expect, right? So I just think that, um all these moments count all these moments count and any time that we can add what you talked about at the very beginning, something positive to the world and something that shows love and unconditional love. I think that's not wasted, regardless of what be endpoint iss.

spk_2:   8:11
Do you have anything to Adam? Go ahead.

spk_1:   8:13
Oh, I just I think in my experience it was so like you said it was so much easier to look at how far I felt like we had to go rather than how far we'd come. And I think that's that's a really important point,

spk_0:   8:27
you say. I think it's I think you're absolutely right about that. One of the things that that you have to remember, you got a bad You've got to get high altitude sometimes and get out of that peak of the moment and get of it and say, Hey, there's something that God's called you this got work. This is, uh, we have a long way. Oh, that that larger perspective sometimes really helps.

spk_4:   8:54
And also you have to look at it all and ultimately through the eyes of faith that you're not going to know the whole story, really until the whole story is told. So like I get, we can't tell what it is doing always with our stories. So I think that that helps me to have hope in faith. Well,

spk_3:   9:14
and And I've heard so many families that say that we're watching us and are watching us that I didn't even know. And so it may not just be that one little person that you're pouring into that will be the biggest difference. It could be the family next door, the people at work or or whatever that are watching and saying, How could you keep going in the middle of this? How do you get that strength? So you just like you said, you just don't know what God's gonna use each part for. And a big thing for me is that God is in the process of changing my heart to become more like him, and nothing has done that more than parenting. Oh, yeah. So I understand his love for me, and I havent intimacy with him that would never have been there if it wasn't for our situation in our struggles. So I'm grateful and thankful, and the opportunity is not the making a difference on others as much as God making a difference inside of me.

spk_2:   10:17
So our faith, our personal growth. What? Michelle, Are there other factors for you that,

spk_3:   10:22
well, bitching for me is that, um, one of the early things that we were taught to look at our son and not say, Oh, he's naughty, but rather oh, he's brain injured, changing my perspective of his behavior. And that helped us to not be discouraged by his behavior or to feel like we're responsible for his behavior like it's not that he's, um, smearing cool over the walls and playing with it all the time because we're not doing something right. We're not correcting him correctly or helping him, and it is something going on in his brain. And his behavior is not because of me. Um, and he's not being naughty. He's not. He's not smearing the poo in order to get back at me or in some way hurt me. Yeah, it's really him being well. Yeah, that is out to me goes back to an analogy that I tried to use with my other kids when because we haven't the oldest is bring damage with feel alcohol, asking her to do things would be like cutting off your arm and then saying, Now grow it back. It's not possible. It's not possible. And to use that analogy is like it's broken. You can't you can't for somebody motivates somebody into doing something that's impossible.

spk_2:   11:47
I think that's a great realization to come to. But we faced one of the problems of apparent in these kids is the judgment from others because they look and they see a 10 year old, a 12 year old, a 20 year old. Why aren't you controlling that kid? Why are you letting them do that? So the judgment we face his parents. So when you how do you deal with that?

spk_4:   12:06
I resonate with that during one really difficult time, we ended up having interactions with different community caseworkers, and I could understand that from their perspective, they were used to killing with parents who had parented birth Children. No. One, so I could just tell that they were approaching our situation with trying to figure out well, we were doing wrong and it was very difficult, and sometimes it felt like you were, uh, trying to not only get help your child, but also needing to be careful to kind of vindicate yourself or monitor. Maybe perceptions how others were viewing. Knew who, really? You wanted to be help advocate you,

spk_2:   13:03
But with you, Lisa, I think that I sort of wish that sometimes when you shootings, learning to drive, you have a bumper sticker student driver on board. I wish we have a bumper sticker, a tattoo on their forehead that said like neurologically atypical or something like that. So at least you don't judge me. That isn't that it's not a parenting issue, right?

spk_1:   13:18
Yeah, that's the hard part is you know, when you've got, um, you know, brain injury from different You know, whether it's fetal alcohol or genetic issues, you know, mental health issues or whatever. Um, having that judgment from other people. And it seems like you almost have to get to a point where you're strong enough and who you are and you know who you are, so that when other people are coming at you with that judgment, you can stand strong because, you know, I remember at one point in our journey, the judgment that I got from other people was actually harder to deal with than parenting with the extra challenges

spk_3:   13:56
I was gonna say, cause, uh, one tactic I took and Lin will remember this is that I, my older boys, my three older boys did not understand why the younger girl was not just the typical while you're you not, uh, disciplining her the same. How come she still acting this way? All of that. And I had to bring them to counseling. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about brain functioning. Let's talk about trauma. Try to educate them a little more. It's not the same as people who just at the grocery store, you can't do that. But, um, I've found it surrounding yourself with family members who understand it is really important for me, for them to understand and stumped sometimes, especially with the older boys. Until they have kids, they're not gonna get it.

spk_2:   14:45
So what, you want us to the list of things that help us to thrive, which is perspective, what's what you're saying and also being surrounded by people who get it. Yeah, and sometimes that means educating them. Yeah, and if they'll listen great. If not man, I'm not sure that it's not time to cut that those people out of your life to some extent,

spk_1:   15:03
not necessarily cut them out. But I think you have to. If you have family members who just aren't getting it, I think then you have to surround yourself and kind of create that family of people who really get it. You know, whether it's a support group or something like that.

spk_2:   15:19
So in addition to those ideas, ever come out Anderson's Do you guys have things that you think have helped you get where you are today?

spk_0:   15:25
Yeah, I think that, um, a lot of it has been redefining success. We've kind of touched on a little bit. We touched on it from the point of view of maybe other other families looking at us and saying, Why don't you do this? But, uh, so the whole idea of comparing our our Children and where we you know, the challenges that they have versus other you know, stop comparing re finding success and just changing our view of what that looks like and not not letting other people to find that for us. I think that's really important, and then just changing our own perspective, on it for be understanding. This is, uh, uh, front kind of parenting. It's a different style, being willing to learn that style and recognize that my tool locks has change. That's been helpful. And as give us kind of the perspective that we need to keep learning and keep adjusting, and one size doesn't fit all itself a lot

spk_4:   16:36
trying to stay on the team also, you know, like I would definitely say week. I would also say that we've had a pretty strong marriage. But I would also say that some of the hardest things that we faced, uh, even in our marriage has been when some of our approaches to some of our Children, yes, really came from two different perspectives. And, uh, I think sometimes in dealing with kids, especially, you reach to the very core of things you believe most, and the things that are hardest read compromise on and oh, in the marriage. It's sometimes hard to work out those things, just trying to stamp the same team and realize that we eat of strength and we have weaknesses and to use those are good, like Brad is very good at staying calm and bring calm to a situation. So it is really great at de escalating and he's had to help me with that. Whereas I probably can tend to be more intimate with because and try to understand what what's really motivating that behavior and so sometimes and I could help him with that, maybe, and helping him understand what the driving force was behind, a behavior good,

spk_3:   18:03
something that Brad said said really touched me was he was talking about adjusting and changing measures of success. I couldn't do that until I had really grieved. I think that grieving the dreams I had for what this child's future would be and what I really wanted out of our relationship was a key part for me of having the ability to change those measures of success in the goals.

spk_2:   18:38
Eso true, just grieving ends with acceptance, and so or at least it's part of the process when I can accept my child for who they are. I'm not so bothered anymore when I realized,

spk_3:   18:52
and it's not just it's exactly what you said Michelle and it's it's he goes even farther. Um, well, for us, we we have a little one in a time in our lives when we should. You know, we're grandparent's, right. And, um, So also grieving and accepting that our lives not just our Children, but our lives or not. What everybody else is, um are are and what they're going to be. And sometimes I can't even look at Facebook because, like you're traveling, you're going west. You're doing what way? Made it toe lunchtime. That's a good. So sometimes I just have to quit looking because it's like, Oh, my gosh, you guys were living the life and were in the trenches. You know,

spk_2:   19:42
I have t resonates with me because I think the people that I see that struggled the most are the ones who won't let go of what they wanted their life to be.

spk_3:   19:51
Oh, yeah,

spk_1:   19:53
And it makes sense. I mean, you know, like you said, you have dreams for your relationship with your kids. Um, you know, I always pictured, You know, this link. You know, Mama, I love you. And, you know, we're gonna hang out together, and then, you know, when you have a child who may be because of trauma or whatever, um, or organic issues just can't get close. It's really painful because it doesn't look like that relationship you wanted and even just the life. I remember at one point we were pretty homebound. Um, at that point, it was on a quarantine. It was just because of a child's what they could handle. And, um, I just remember feeling sad that, you know, we couldn't even go for walks. Um, we couldn't do anything at that point because of what that child could handle. And, yeah, I mean, I think grieving is is so important because you do. You're acknowledging that this is different than what you wanted, and you're, you know, processing through it to that point of getting to acceptance.

spk_2:   21:02
So how do we define success? I mean, if it's not based because I'm taking the rut we get into right is that we've defined success. Is my kid going to Harvard or I mean, there's lots of different ways we can define it? What then how do we define success and what am I basing my feeling of accomplish accomplishment like I've done I When I look back and think I've done it well, what am I basing that on? If it's not the kids outcomes.

spk_3:   21:28
I look at the number of opportunities I have taking advantage of or created in the day for him to connect emotionally with me. So I'm evaluating At the end of the day, how did I do today? Um was did I engage? Did I interrupt him? Did I, um, contradict him? Did I give him opportunities to realize what's in his mind is not what's in my mind? Um did I spend time intentionally laughing over things with him and making him feel bonded and close to me? Those of the measures that I'm looking at the end of my day and saying Am I doing these things with him?

spk_2:   22:18
You know, it's really, um a powerful. I thought, when I've done been doing the best, it's because I'm trying to judge my success based on my faithfulness, not my child response is that have no control over that. There been so many times that, um, I've explained talkto parents about that, and they're like, Well, thanks, but I still don't feel good, because more often than not, I fail at those interment interventions. I feel like I maybe even if I get it right five out of 10 times. I'm still messing up the other five or the other to whatever it is. And so I still feel bad about myself. What do you say to those? I mean, how anything about that idea? Maybe I'm not successful. Based

spk_3:   22:57
on grace, Grace, You know, we tend to be

spk_1:   23:05
very hard on us on ourselves as parents, you know, that we could do everything great the whole day. And then we yelled at one time, and it's like it negates everything that we did that was positive.

spk_2:   23:19
I'm just thinking out loud is as I said that on. I wonder if we just can't apply the same to ourselves. I'm not gonna base my success on my outcome, but on my attempts that keep to keep trying, I still show up every day, and sometimes I get it right. And sometimes I don't. But I can't. I can't say that I'm a failure if I don't always get it right. Even if I'm. But it may be success is just that I'm trying what you

spk_4:   23:42
have given up. You know that you got back up again, ending end and going up means something. I believe to our kids? No, I think I can see in my kids that sometimes, even like when you continue to try when it's the most difficult. And they, I think, at least for some of our Children, not all of them, they could see that. And I think that shows them selfless love. Even if I don't get it right, then always there is the opportunity to go back and model, coming yourself and ownership of Hey years and needing different choices to our kids, and I think that there's some definite right there.

spk_2:   24:29
I like that because, uh, that means that could give me a great opportunity, because if I did it perfectly every time, my kids would never learn how to cover mistakes. So I'm getting them a great opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Well, that's a

spk_1:   24:42
great relational tool, because we all need to know how to apologize and toe humble ourselves. And so what? What a great example we're giving to our kids.

spk_4:   24:53
I don't think also that they feel like failures themselves so much, but in something it can make some still a little more normal to see that mom does that to instead of I'm the one who always messes up everybody else. Is it right?

spk_1:   25:10
That's so true. Because a lot of our kids, you know, they're comparing themselves to other people, and they start to feel like failures. And, you know, a lot of, um, like, kids with a D h d. You know, a lot of times people are correcting them, you know, stop doing that. Don't run there. So they constantly feel, um, like they're doing something wrong and and not doing well. So I think that yeah, they need to know that we're all will mess up.

spk_2:   25:35
I've been told I'm sick and twisted for thinking this that even in any relationship, I'm really happy when somebody messes up because I'm like, Oh, you really blew it. Yeah. You offended me. You did a bad thing. But at least I know because I'm gonna do that soon, and you can give me the same grace I'm gonna give you. So I'm just really happy you mess that I am. I know. And that you have to leave in a couple of minutes. So I wanted to ask this question. Are you happy with your life?

spk_3:   25:59
Absolutely. And I I I think when we look at what God has wants us to have an abundant life, I absolutely feel like I have an abundant life and back to something Michelle was saying. I think that without some of this tragedies that we've dealt with, I would not be close to God. And I have learned in the last probably year to thank God for some of the worst times because I feel like it just drove my faith so deep compared to where I would have been, um, some of the hardest times I can now look back and say, I see what you were doing there and, um, I think it's our pastor One time said, When you give donations throughout the year, you buy this thing from somebody in you. You know, you pay so many taxes, and all you do is complain about how much money you're giving. Well, that'll switches when it comes April 15. You're trying to find all those times where you went, OK, No, wait a minute. Where do we pay taxes and you're so excited. And I feel like that's what we're gonna be like. We're standing in front of God it's It's tax day and then we look back and go. Oh, look at that. No, wait a minute. We suffered over here way we're doing, you know, it's that it's a whole different. Um, I'll never forget that because it makes me remember when that day comes. What am I gonna be proud of? What am I going to say? I had a great vacation and I put it on Facebook, or I'm going to say we made it toe lunch and nobody died.

spk_2:   27:41
We said, Here we talk about this and we've amongst the group of us. There are some hard kids represented. I'll just say that there, there amongst the hardest and some of situations have been the hardest T deal with. Given that I looked, you guys lives and I still think that I would call us thriving parents is done. Really nice job. Are there ever situations did that? It's so hard that it would just crush you. I ask this because I was were in a seminar with Ira. Chazz Nafta, USC medical director for fetal alcohol, is a pediatrician. Um, he wrote the book Mystery of Risk, I think. Anyways, an expert on this subject. He was showing some brain scans Any and he showed us this one. And the brain was particularly malformed missing big missing components in there. And he said, This child is unadoptable. Okay, so I don't know that seems of Is it ever so hard? And is it ever when we can't keep parenting them? Is that I don't know that those are the questions that come my mind. You guys any thoughts on that?

spk_3:   28:51
I've been in a place a lot in the last year where it is impossible. Okay, really impossible. So that I have to be completely poured out before God. Just a drink offering. I am nothing. And in those moments, that is the most precious time. That is the time when God says, But I'm still God and I can do this. You can't do this. E n so glad you recognise that because now I get to show up and he has It's been amazing. Just amazing.

spk_2:   29:30
So that recognition that I can't do this I mean, I have not the skills, the time, the depth of expertise to be able to help. It's up, you know? What do you think? There there are there times their kids just can't be a part of a family for the Is that giving up?

spk_0:   29:53
No. I mean, that has happened to us, you know? So, um, we've had a situation where we had a child who couldn't be safe and be safe in our family. So the honest answer to that is that's a situation that we encountered. And, uh, we didn't go into it knowing that be the case, or even suspecting that was a possibility. You know, it was something that happened to us. So

spk_4:   30:25
I think there's a difference between coming to terms with the fact that a child can't, uh, live safely in a home and in giving on that child.

spk_1:   30:37
Yes, yes.

spk_3:   30:38
So for a bit,

spk_4:   30:39
what we I feel like we managed to do this by the grace of God, we have tried our best. Hang on to not only what do we other Children in our all need that is best for this ill and trying hard not to compromise on either side? Because, uh, I have always felt that one of the most difficult things about parents came Children from hard places is when you're in a situation where one child needs is perhaps endangering other Children. Yes, Uh, I was just always What's hard? I think probably that in a situation, in my opinion, relative, uh, appearance ing difficult Children for Children with difficult histories passes better way of saying it. So we did reach a situation where, for the safety of other Children, we felt like a child couldn't continue to remain in her home. However, we, through the grace of God, were ableto locate situation where we're still the child's guardians and where he was able to live with supports that we would never have able to provide at home and where we were able to continue to parent our Children. Um, we were faced with a situation where they're they're experienced there has sent to us. If you continue to have other Children live in the situation, we need to recognize that you are causing them to live in domestic violence and out web ramifications in their lives. And the other thing that I would say really was helpful to us. We've been in a situation there. We had to meet so dissident to have a child. E uh, if in a setting outside of our home, and we have had a situation where we thought it would invest or a child. Perhaps Teoh go to a different situation, and in that situation we felt God closed doors and so just changed circumstances to where we came to understand. Know this child is meant to be parented in our home on, and we've seen a lot of healing there. So our for us, I think a lot of it is just spring training to lock with, not entrust him to show you the way

spk_0:   33:10
it's too of a situation is just too too nuanced and to, um, particular to each child in each family setting, you know, to apply any on a broad stroke advice except to stay that, you know, in our situation, we encounter at experience that's been keen to in particulars that we were living in. Folks like Lisa said, we have not given up on the the relationship, but a setting in which we were able to carry that out. Very same things we've been talking about today about redefining success and, um, and hold for that. I'll in a future in mind those air still that driving uh, dynamic and those still the dynamics that are at work even in that relationship. Still,

spk_1:   34:10
I really appreciate you guys sharing that story. Um, because I think that we know personally of a lot of families who've had to seek placement of a child outside of their home for the safety of themselves, their Children, you know, the other Children and that child. And, um, I just really appreciate you sharing that and just clarifying because I think a lot of families who that the half has happened Teoh start to feel like they failed somehow and feel guilty. And so I'm just really thankful that you guys clarified that's not giving up on the child. You know, you really are seeking the best interest of that child, and then, you know, situation.

spk_2:   34:51
In fact, it seems to me that Matt personal life, it's when I like you, said Michelle, trying to take on more than God is asking to do. That's when I start to crumble. And so in your situation, when I try to do what is beyond the capacity of the resource is that have been given to me to do, that's it's gonna is gonna crush you or your family. And so the at times thriving means finding the most appropriate resource is available. And that's not always us. And maybe whether that's out of home placement or that's, um, bringing in extra resource of whatever, you know, whatever it is. But yeah, that's probably a key to thriving president. Well, nuanced. It's a very challenging Stewart. I mean, yeah,

spk_1:   35:31
it is. It's. And I think, as parents were constantly looking at our Children and seeing what's best for them and trying to figure that out. And, um ah, lot of times like, you know, Brad talked about toolboxes. And sometimes as we gain tools for our toolbox, we go. Man, I wish I would have done this differently or that differently. Um, but you know, a lot of times we have toe give ourselves Grace for knowing that at the time we've done the best that we could dio

spk_4:   35:59
in the best we could, what we had

spk_2:   36:01
exactly ugly. That's not doing it wrong. Although some of my kids want to tell me that

spk_3:   36:07
you

spk_2:   36:09
have any last thoughts,

spk_0:   36:11
I just throw in. Uh, it was 10 years ago from very month that the wheels first start falling off in on the situation that we were in with our child and the last 10 years ago end years. But it is still a source off pain and loss even though we're still engaged and involved. And so you know, the reality of that hurting but kind of the recognition land that you mentioned off. Hey, uh, God's not giving me the resources required for this situation and not a matter of effort, and it's not a matter of money, and it's not a matter off. There is nothing that, uh, there is nothing that I could envision that God could provide there than an alternate kind of a situation and snow, Um, but at the same time, God made us different people through that circumstance. He's given us a different kind of going through. That is part of what gave us the bigger toolbox. And, uh, you know, God work even in that. So I don't know how to encourage families who are in that kind of a situation, except to say that it doesn't always stay in that red zone. God and God will show you whether he's going to provide you with the capacity or whether he's going to bite you with some kind of other. Oh, and it doesn't mean you're giving up a role doesn't mean you're giving up your commitment. It just means that you're going to carry it out in a different way than you invaded. And that is part of redefining success. That's part of that redefinition. I could not imagine 10 years old this month and I said it to people. I cannot imagine my life, the future. Uh, if this goes the way I think it's gonna go, I cannot imagine because that that thought had never occurred to me that I have a child who didn't live in my home. I couldn't even conceive of it. Okay, I have redefined success and understand that God was doing something that I couldn't control. And my job was to respond to the best of my ability and hold on to my commitments, but that carrying them out was going to have to look different. That only became true over time. But, um, it is, Vanna has been a journey, and God has been faithful. But it's not been easy, and it doesnt feeble a lot better. today. Honestly,

spk_4:   39:21
I would say the other side of it is that we reached a point of having peace with it. Way resisted having toe have a different living situation for quite a while. And I was really impair about it and just trusting and certain today. And and I just felt like it makes him just instantly, in my circumstance, crystal clear. I can't continue this any longer.

spk_0:   39:50
God gave us clarity, released us off the way of the parenting environment that we want to hold on to. And we felt like we were released a fact. And we had not only the freedom, but we had the responsibility, the obligation to everybody to find something different.

spk_4:   40:14
And they would say we weren't happy about what happened, that we were at peace. What

spk_1:   40:18
happened? Well, I mean, I think ultimately I mean, regardless of the situation, whether the child stays in your home or not, Ultimately it comes down to letting go of the expectation of what we thought things would look like and how we thought things would go and maybe the decisions are child would make and recognizing what it is, you know that this is the situation we're in. This is the way this child is, you know, wired or whatever. And so we've got to just kind of adjust to this new way of looking at things to make it work.

spk_2:   40:55
Good words. Thank you so much for your tips. Thank you for so much for sharing your stories. I know that's there's a lot of vulnerability in doing that. So So appreciate your sharing this so that others going through the same thinking process, similar issues. You know, we could literally, in the podcast right there, and it would have been worth the price of admission. The wisdom from you all and this group has been amazing and just how it's challenged my own thinking. But we're not done yet. And so I'm gonna make an abrupt transition because, honestly, when you're living in hard situations like some of us have lived in, if you can't laugh at times are as you were saying a little bit ago, Lisa, you kind of have to develop a dark sense of humor at times and laugh about that kind of stuff. Now we've been sat together, and we're going to continue to support each other and the parents listening to us through moving to our tips and tricks section. But before

spk_3:   41:57
we do

spk_2:   41:57
that, I want to thank our sponsor today show made possible by the Corona virus slowing families down since December of 2019 making it necessary for linen jetting to stop travelling and for all of us busy parents to be here together today. So thank you to the Corona virus. Now that music means it's time for our tips and tricks. And these air just tips, tricks, products, things that have helped us be successful as parents, and we're passing them along to you. So and why don't we start with you and hear your tip of the week?

spk_3:   42:24
Well, so when he was asked, what about expectations? What really came to mind waas a phrase that I teach the folks at work, which is Is this something that they can't do or won't do? Pray. So what that gets down to Is it an ability, issue or motivation issue? And unfortunately, most of us tag others and our Children with motivation issues when it really is an ability issue, right? So, um, I reminded my husband was doing a, um, big production, and he was asking for he was doing some development. It was asking for some giving at the end of one of his sessions and he had a band up front and he was talking to the crowd and he had this bandit front. And this one guy Michael, who is Hispanic, was up there and there was some Hispanic votes in the audience. And he said, When I When I do, they ask, Did you translate for me? Um, as I do to ask and Michael's like, No, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing out And my husband's like, but you're up front already. You already do. You know, it's really easy. I'll go slow. You just translate what I'm saying. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. And they went around a roundabout this and finally my husband asked one more time, and he said, Can you please just tell me why you won't do this? Where? May said. I don't speak Spanish on you could have encouraged him and encouraged him and pushed him to do something he wasn't capable of doing so. I always think of that story in terms of the you cannot motivate people to do things that they are capable of doing. And I think about that with our kids. You know you can't just keep encouraging or punishing or doing whatever if they're just not capable. So I guess they can't do or that won't do is what I always go back to.

spk_2:   44:22
That's awesome. I wish there was, like, a magic meter on our kids saying exactly what they couldn't do or what they won't do that. That would be good. That's a good test. Thanks. Okay. Henderson's what? Your tip of the week.

spk_0:   44:31
Here's something that someone should with me years, years back when they were helping me understand. But I needed a different kind of tool box, as as appearance of building who had served challenges. And they talked about the importance off being able to calm down, to calm yourself down, to calm your child down. And it's not anything new, but it was phrased in a way that was helpful for me to remember, and it's, ah, the breathing technique, and you blow. You smell a flower and blow out a candle. And that had just been it's picture Baskin. You don't have to be Ah, very old to get that are very capable Toe get ah, Snow flower law at a candle and eso out. Sometimes you're the parent and you have to do that, right? Yeah, sometime your child and you're just coaching them. But there are times when all sit down with my kids and I will say, Let's smell a flower three times and bought a candle times just as helpful. It's just in a little tidbit. But it's something that I have used for, you know, 10 years

spk_2:   45:42
nice, will just help me. I just did it. And I'm like, Oh, wait, calm again. I wasn't any. Oh, that's

spk_0:   45:48
right. I

spk_2:   45:49
think you have one too Are moving on.

spk_4:   45:53
Oh, no. I mean, like, I had a boat that I'd love a tweet that his home. And I think it speaks a lot to my adoption. Injured. Uh, the quote is you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control that you never have control. All you had was anxiety. Oh, wow. Yeah, satchels. It's really good for me, You know, I can tell that I definitely have had to work through some control issues as a mom of kids who have some things to work through themselves. And so, uh, helps me motivates me.

spk_2:   46:33
Excellent. Good. Thank you. Yeah.

spk_1:   46:35
I need to paint that on a wall or something

spk_2:   46:38
and then had to it on the inside of our Children's islands. And Michelle, what's your tip of the week?

spk_3:   46:47
Sorry, I'm getting visual. The tattooing on the island. I used to always approach my son, saying like not saying these words, but with my actions and my my way of speaking with him and the interaction I had with him, I was continually communicating. I want you to prove to me that there's intelligence in there that you're actually thinking. So, for example, I had a book and here's my little guy and I would read to him saying, Where is the red strawberry point to the red one, wanting him to demonstrate to me that he could think And, um, point to the green strawberry, whereas what I learned in relationship development and attachment change the way I parented so that I read the same book. But instead of saying, Where's the red strawberry? I would say, Uh oh, hungry. I'm so hungry Oh, ran strawberry. Look, I see red Strawberry and I would grab it out of the page and start to get a little. It's so delicious, although it's wonderful. Oh, there's another strawberry. It's green booth. And the interaction was all about me experiencing the the book with him and sharing my heart instead of him proving to me what he could do and that just enabled him to grow enabled him to learn

spk_2:   48:20
Nice article. So my tip of the week is actually I got to the 1st 1 Justin idea that was given to me by Guess what? One of our Panelists today. Years ago, when I was really struggling with, um I feel like a failure as a parent has really down and and And I were sitting talking one day and I was commiserating about how I felt like a failure of the DAC is some some things that had happened in one of our kids. And, um, she said lead even at a meeting. You've had a pretty good dad, too. And look how that turned out. So I'm like, OK, a

spk_3:   48:50
little bit

spk_2:   48:51
off the hook because I'm like, Okay, I know I'm not God, but, uh, so I feel pretty good about that. But the other tip is, ah, product, and that's the Kindle I Well, I love reading to are a little boy, Sebastian. Of course we travel. And so every pound accounts and what I love is when I find a book, I like the kids. Books are now they will have the Kimble. And so I don't have to have a library of books that they can rip up trade. And I think it's wrong. I think it's great for kids to be able to flip through a book. I personally love the availability of all the books to be on the Kindle for the for pretty little price. So Kendall Kidsbooks, that's my tip of the week. Um, haven't been yourself character of the week.

spk_1:   49:28
Well, I have a tip regular tip and Linda self care. So the tip of the week is I had a parent once. Tell me she has, um, had an autistic son. It was a little bit older at that time, and she said, Jenny, it's okay to be a C parent instead of a parent sometimes, and as long as you know you know everyone. So you might even be an f parent. But, um,

spk_2:   49:51
no, you've never You have never been in f parents. Just on the record. Yeah,

spk_1:   49:56
she's yellow. You don't stay there, you know? But she said it's okay to just be average or to not be exceptional. Um, some days it's It's okay. Yeah. I thought that was really good. And then, um, self care tip as, um I really think that sometimes if we spoke to a friend the way that we spoke to ourselves, um, well, we wouldn't have any friends, for one thing. But I think that, you know, a lot of times his parents were really hard on ourselves. And so I'm just really giving ourselves from grace And some, um, just yeah, not beating ourselves up every little thing. But speaking to ourselves the way that we would speak to a good friend

spk_2:   50:38
So you shouldn't walk up to a good friend. Say you're a really bad mom. I can't believe how you really failed that today.

spk_1:   50:43
You know that.

spk_2:   50:44
Don't do that. Okay, let's

spk_4:   50:45
look in the

spk_2:   50:45
mirror when you get a look in the mirror this morning and you tell yourself what you tell your friend if they had done what you did like Okay, you blew it. But you're you're all right. That was one time thing. Whatever was your mom

spk_3:   50:54
or it's a really you're in a really

spk_1:   50:55
tough situation. No, it's OK that you're struggling kind of thing,

spk_2:   50:58
and there's our self care tip of the week. Our self care tips of weak and our tips of the week will be on a special page on a website. You go to our show notes, and you can link to the self care tips since Kenyan counting dot com slash thrive. Why your online? Why not subscribe to our podcast if you haven't yet already, it's available pretty much everywhere. You get your podcasts at this point, and if you want more information on Jenny's book, dance with a porcupine. Check out dancing with a porcupine dot com, but it's available on Amazon. And if you adjusted in following our journey, a personal recovery after years of difficult and challenging work, didn't you can check out destination dash rejuvenation dot com. We hope to see you back here next Wednesday, but until then, remember, you are an amazing parents

Meet The Panelists
Why are you doing well, when so many others are not?
Are you happy with your life?
What if it is too hard?
Are there ever times kids need to leave the home?
Summing it up
Tips and Tricks
Self Care tip of the week